At the moment, I simply vent somewhat about folks I met offline. I could evaluation one thing later. This put up additionally has been a draft for ages now however I didn’t write about it till now as a result of… I don’t know why precisely. Anyway, the draft was actually simply the title and me selecting it up felt good timing-wise as a result of one thing occurred to me lately (see under). On the identical time, because of Roger for writing about Draft Posts and provoking me to complete a draft once more.
So, because the title says, it doesn’t take a lot actually to be thought of “an okay individual”. All folks anticipate from others is to be respectable. You don’t have the be the epitome of morality and a saint or no matter. Everyone seems to be flawed. Simply don’t be shitty. Be respectable.
“Can we make out now?”
I had this encounter with somebody that stored hitting on me at a celebration, I advised him I’m fortunately taken and never fascinated by him, and he stopped for some time.
Later, he supplied to stroll me to the subsequent bus cease on condition that the highway there may be darkish and scary. That was fairly good of him. We exchanged numbers and I figured we might chat somewhat or one thing at one other time.
Later, he then took jabs at my companion which I wasn’t cool with however he mentioned that he didn’t imply something by it. I dropped it. “First Strike”, I assume. If it have been to return up once more, I’d delete his quantity.
At one other get together that I went to the place I met up with a pal of mine, he requested the place I’m and if we’d make out. I advised him that I don’t wish to and that I’m – once more – fortunately taken and never fascinated by him. He then mentioned that I’m “being a tease”. (Extra on that later).
I advised him that these are boundaries. I’m not okay with him being like this. He mentioned “it’s only a joke” and that I ought to “sit back”. Once I mentioned that I don’t assume so, he mentioned that “it’ll be alright”. That’s the second strike. Let’s simply drop the “strike” metaphor. It’s a second probability. Fuck it.
I used to be being fairly affected person with it however at this level, I feel I’ll simply ignore him, delete the quantity, and simply fake that I don’t know him. I set boundaries. He violated them. He made me uncomfortable after I simply wished to be buddies. Occurs. Completely different expectations at what this was, I assume.
Perhaps “I’m fortunately taken and I’m not fascinated by you as a person” was not sufficient. Who is aware of. Perhaps meaning one thing solely in some folks’s ears. Perhaps it didn’t sound like a rejection in any respect.
“It’s only a joke.”
The “it’s only a joke” factor is one thing that ticks me off because it’s one thing that lots of people convey up after they don’t wanna take accountability for the issues they are saying.
There are those that justify bigoted issues they are saying however comply with them up with “it’s only a joke”. These individuals are making an attempt to minimize the stuff they only mentioned, regardless of how hurtful they’ve been or how they made others really feel.
Typically, these folks will creep others out and make them uncomfortable or possibly the issues that these folks say would painting them as unhealthy folks… in order that they attempt to sweep it beneath the rug with “it’s only a joke”.
“You’re a tease.”
That is one thing that bothers me in addition to it’s about some kind of entitlement. Some folks will see a pleasant dialog and interpret it as the opposite get together making an attempt to get of their pants.
Let’s take an instance right here (see above):
I chatted with this man and complimented his earrings. That was me being pleasant.
“I used to be considering of getting tunnels myself.” That was me being chatty.
“However I don’t know in the event that they’d look good on me.” That’s me asking a query not directly to get a solution that isn’t sure/no however that relatively retains the dialog going.
Some folks will simply chat with others with the expectation of simply chatting or probably making a pal. Within the instance above, my expectations of this encounter/dialog have been that I might get to speak about tunnels and even make a pal. Apparently, my complimenting this man’s earrings set completely different expectations for this individual.
This individual set completely different expectations on this dialog and due to that, they have been disillusioned after I mentioned that I a) am fortunately taken and b) not within the different get together as something greater than a pal.
I’m “a tease”, I assume.
It’s easy miscommunication, proper? Effectively,… about that…
To reply the query about miscommunication, I consider that one ought to take a look at set sure expectations within the first place. Should you’re not anticipating to make buddies however you relatively wanna transcend “the pal zone”, you’d flirt with the opposite get together. If additionally they flirt with you, you’re on a very good path, I assume.
Right here’s the problem although: Some folks don’t know what any of this implies.
Flirting could be something actually from innuendo to ambiguity to eye contact, physique contact, compliments, physique language and whatnot. (I’ve a draft on a subject associated to that as properly although!)
Should you don’t need that, although, you reject it. You set boundaries. You inform the opposite get together that you simply’re not . That’s what most individuals do… and what the opposite get together ought to then respect.
That’s, nevertheless, the place being respectable is available in. I consider that within the instance that I discussed above, I used to be setting clear expectations by rejecting his advances and by stating that I’m not simply taken… however “fortunately taken“. That means that I don’t have any plans on dishonest or making out with another person.
However the concern right here is that some folks don’t care. On this case, these folks will simply maintain going, considering that they nonetheless have an opportunity or that they’ll change their minds.
“Why are you not fascinated by me?”
So, as a result of folks really feel entitled to one thing and since folks anticipate one thing completely different, a number of this may come throughout as not being “flirty” however being “an asshole”. It’s an enormous distinction.
I went to this place with a feminine pal of mine. We have been ingesting some beers and speaking about Hermitcraft, of all issues. Anyhow, this dude stopped by and began to speak to my pal and stored complimenting her. She wasn’t . He then stored touching her leg. I stored asking her if she wants assist. She was effective. Alright. We left a bit later and she or he was glad I requested – however like, she will deal with herself.
So, after all of the rejections, this man (whereas we have been nonetheless there) mentioned “don’t be like that”. She mentioned “no”. He requested, “Why not?” – finally adopted by “why are you not fascinated by me?”
And that’s the place stuff will get iffy. No person’s entitled to anyone. No person is owed a solution. When somebody says no, that’s a boundary. Don’t cross it. No means no.
As talked about above, it’s not that individuals are anticipated to be saints. Slightly, folks simply need others to “be respectable” – and that’s a really low bar, you understand?
I imply, in case you bought advised to fuck off, take it to coronary heart and fuck off. You bought advised “no”. That doesn’t imply “sure” in a unique language. It actually means fuck off. Regional dialects could sound like “feck off” or they might embody “wanker” or “cunt” relying on the place you reside.
There’s this false impression that men and women assume in several methods. There’s additionally the misperception that every one folks wish to be conquered and that every one folks imply one thing completely different after they do sure issues. There’s additionally this “enjoying arduous to get” stuff and no matter that PUAs (brief for “enemy of ladies”) inform others to do…
It’s the identical with how folks costume and what folks anticipate from others due to the way in which they costume. Individuals costume for themselves and that’s completely effective. Simply because somebody is wearing a sure method, they don’t wanna get hit on, catcalled or approached in any method. No person is entitled to something simply due to the way in which somebody is dressed.
This one is an entire completely different barrel that I don’t wanna open on this put up but when curiosity is there, I’d like to share my ideas on how folks costume and the way males shouldn’t inform others costume.
And once more, in case you’re only a respectable human being, that sort of entails that you simply don’t do stuff like that. It additionally entails that you simply deal with others with the respect that you simply consider that you simply’re entitled to.
That’s btw a very good sense of entitlement as a result of all people deserves respect! Even you! Love thyself!
It doesn’t take a lot to be respectable in IRL. On-line stuff is completely different in a number of methods but when we a minimum of try and deal with others with the respect we expect we deserve and if we a minimum of try and deal with others like how we wish to be handled ourselves, then this kind of stuff ought to be considerably straightforward to repair, proper?
And sure, there are circumstances the place messages or tones get beneath however open communication is vital. The opposite day, one thing I mentioned offended a pal of mine on-line and I apologized for it as a result of I didn’t imply a lot by it. It’s good to elucidate stuff like that and to speak about it and stuff. However no one expects others to be a saint. All of us make errors. Simply respect boundaries and be sure to don’t harass others – see above.
This put up was first revealed on Indiecator by Dan Indiecator aka MagiWasTaken. Should you like what you see right here and wish to see extra, you may examine me out on Twitch and YouTube as properly.